I recently watched the movie ‘The Little Black Book” about a woman who decides to confront her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends to determine whether or not he’s a Cheater. Her friend insists that past behaviors are indicative of future actions so it was crucial for her to know the truth. Of course, this woman discovers a lot more than she was prepared to handle (did she expect otherwise?)
This movie was brilliant (despite the number of stars it received) because it highlighted a very real fact about how completely insane and irrational we become when we start catching feelings for someone new…. For whatever reason, we feel compelled to know this persons past. Who did they date? What do their exes look like ? Are they more attractive? Did they make a better match?
We need to know where we stand and how we measure up. So much so, we even throw ethics out the window….We dig through phones, pictures, the mystery box in the back of the closet (never go in there). Our curiosity gets the best of us we don’t even recognize ourselves!
WARNING: This is a huge mistake and one that you cannot (and often will not) recover from. So if you’re contemplating doing this… stop yourself immediately!
Two reasons digging for dirt is a terrible idea:
1) The more you dig the more you will find…that’s the bottom line. What you find may change your perception of this person. What you find may change how you perceive this persons feelings about you. The thoughts and images will forever be embedded in your brain and you won’t be able to erase them. Somehow these thoughts will manifest themselves into angry thoughts and fights when you least expect them later. Are you prepared to deal with that?
2) You may lose a BETTER person… Ultimately you’ll get turned off or even worse, ruin your relationship for GOOD. And too bad. Because contrary to this ‘friend’s’ theory, someone that has a tainted record could actually make a better partner. This person has already experienced the awful feelings and guilt associated with bad behavior and may be determined to never relive those emotions again.
The truth is, if we knew everything about everyone we dated… We’d never date !
We all mistakes. We’re human after all. We live. We breathe. We interact with the opposite sex. It’s part of growing up and becoming a better person. Everyone has things in their past they’re not particularly proud of or wouldn’t share over a dinner conversation. But judging a person based on their past history when you only hold a piece of the puzzle is completely irrational. There are way too many factors involved in the dynamics of a relationship to determine who is ultimately responsible for it flourishing or failing.
Also, keep in mind that your chemistry and connection will never compare to any of your partner’s past relationships because the different factor in the equation is… You !
The moral of the story: Don’t dig for dirt unless you’re prepared to deal with sh*t…